The quick answer is that you don’t eat; you dine. Chefs to the stars have their work cut out for them in every red carpet affair: how to feed a horde of celebrities too worried to ruin their designer frocks and faces. I mean, they can’t all faint in the middle of an acceptance speech.

The 58th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards is happening on August 27, several days from now. World renowned chef Joachim Splichal gives us a preview of what TV celebrities will be dining on at the 2006 Emmy Awards – and still look cheekboned as cameras sneak on them while host Conan O’ Brien tells a really long joke without a punchline.

First off, Teri Hatcher, Ellen Pompeo, and Mary Louise Parker need to eat. Period. Unless they want Mischa Barton’s nutrition-deficient queendom. We think Felicity Huffman and Allison Janney do eat, but it’s like they work out more than they can chew.

May we suggest some stuffed avocado with shrimp and crab? Splichal, chef for the official Governor’s Ball in the last 10 years, is serving avocado stuffed with hefty shrimp, crabmeat, and julienned veggies. With a sprouting salad on a bed of lettuce, and his Louis dressing.

Guilt-free yum. It should be a hit with the health-headlining cast of Grey’s Anatomy, who might all show up as they have the most Emmy nominations for any TV series. Fruit, seafood, and greens sound righteous for Evangeline Lilly, Emily Deschanel, and Mariska Hargitay. Plus Keifer Sutherland, what with all that 24/7 moving no one can keep up with (and second most Emmy nominations, too). Maybe it’s us but we also think Steve Carrell and Jason Lee should help themselves with avocado.

How about some filet of beef with mushroom tart? We gather from Splichal, who found Patina with partner and fellow culinary big-timer Nick Valenti, that beef filets will be sauced with red wine and served with shroom tarts plus stuffed potatoes. Dang, it sounds perfect for the 2006 WSOP final table.

The Sopranos, now there’s a group that can really eat meat. We’re unsure that burgers are the national food of America but Commander in Chief Geena Davis should give it a go, and Martin Sheen and the rest of The West Wing. Lord knows the stars of Lost should partake of beef before embarking back to Hawaii. Carnivores also make us think of Two and a Half Men and Will and Grace, although Debra Messing is supposed to be a vegetarian.

As for half-finished plates, the stars of CSI will be there to solve the mystery.

We TV viewers can wager on Emmy nominees at Bodog betting props, and take our winnings to any of Splichal’s and Valenti’s restaurants for a taste of Emmy fare. There’s Ice Rink in Manhattan, the flagship Patina Restaurant at the Walt Disney Concert Hall, Nick and Stef’s Steakhouse at Madison Square Garden, Pinot Brasserie at The Venetian Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, and lots more Patina restos all over LA, OC, and NYC.

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