These are the people who are probably the best at what they do but, unfortunately, they haven’t won shit.

And mind you, I’m not talking about the sick fucks from Miami because quite frankly, there’s nobody in the Heat roster this season who you can probably consider as ‘’good.'’

This is about the best poker players in the world who haven’t won a major yet in their professional career. And although we may never be as good as these guys on a poker table in this lifetime or the next, feel free to laugh at them while I try to single them out one by one.

First, there’s Patrik Antonius. This dude probably commands the utmost respect from the top poker players in the world but somehow, he just can’t break through on the tournament circuit. He only has ONE TOURNAMENT WIN to his credit. That being back in 2005 when he outlasted 44 other players in the Scandinavian Poker Open to win $66,000.

He kept shooting blanks since.

Next, we have Todd Brunson. STILL known to the rest of the world as ‘’the son of Doyle Brunson‘’ probably because he ain’t doing anything yet to make a name for himself. Todd has been on the tournament scene for quite some time now, dating as far…

Read More » The Best Poker Players in the World who… SUCK

‘’Soft opening?'’ What the fuck does that mean?

The 2008 World Series of Poker officials plan a ‘’soft opening'’ for the tournament on May 28 and 29 so players can register early in order for them to play in satellite tournaments and cash games.

‘’This ’soft opening’ will give players a chance to register early and avoid the lines we had last year during opening weekend, our busiest time,'’ Geno Iafrate, vice president and assistant general manager of the Rio, said.

Meanwhile, in conjunction with the 2008 WSOP event, Oscar nominee Don Cheadle and poker professional Annie Duke will host the second annual Ante Up For Africa charity tournament at the Rio on July 2.

July 3 is the first of four start days for the 2008 Main Event. Last year, a total of 6,358 entrants competed for a Main Event prize pool of $59.8 million. Players may choose their Main Event start dates as long as seats are available on the selected dates.

Pre-registration for the 2008 WSOP has been made February on-site at the…

Read More » 2008 WSOP Event soft opening is on May 28 and 29

It’s time to play poker people.

Yep, the best WSOP players in the world (or so they say…) will gather from May 30 through July 17 for the 2008 World Series of Poker. The Rio All-Suite Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas will be the stage, adding even more gambling to the gambling capital of the world.

The 39th annual WSOP event is presented by Milwaukee’s Best Light and will feature a 55-event schedule that includes a total of eight $1,500 buy-in No-Limit Texas Hold’em poker tournaments.

The World Series of Poker has also added a second start day for the first of the $1,500 no-limit competitions to accommodate the expected number of entrants.

The six other $10,000 buy-in events, all World Championship competitions, include Heads-Up No-Limit Hold’Em, Seven-Card Stud, Limit Hold’Em, Omaha Hi-Low Split Eight or Better, Pot-Limit Omaha and a new Mixed Event.

The World Series of Poker Mixed Event will feature eight variations of poker that includes Limit and No-Limit Hold’Em, Omaha Hi-Low and Pot-Limit Omaha, Seven Card Stud, Razz, Seven Card Hi-Low Split and 2-7 Triple Draw Lowball.

The second event of the 2008 World Series of Poker is a $1,500 buy-in No-Limit Hold’em tournament…

Read More » The 2008 World Series of Poker starts May 30

In case you’ve been living under a rock lately, you should know that poker has this thing that lets you play anonymously online.

Apparently, the trend has actually gone from nice to irritatingly too much the moment that they started developing artificial intelligence for the sole purpose of playing poker.

Yep, Polaris, dubbed as the best poker-playing computer program from the University of Alberta, challenged the best poker players of the world to test just how good Polaris is in bluffing, calling and raising you whenever you go all-in. And what’s even more surprising is the fact that two poker players actually answered the challenge.

Phil Laak a.k.a. ‘’the Unabomber,'’ and Ali Eslami, a.k.a. ‘’we don’t give a rat’s ass who he is,'’ was invited to play Polaris to test the computer’s capabilities in playing against the best poker players in the world.

Wait, are these guys really qualified to represent mankind against Polaris?

The University of Alberta needed poker players who not only sowed excellence in the game, but were also capable of speaking through…

Read More » Phil Laak, from the Unabomber of Poker to Online Bitch

Yep, just shut the fuck up.

As another war heats up right there on the poker table, Phil Gordon still looks like he’s ready to hump a new gay lover. No seriously… Phil Gordon is gay and he’ll still be gay no matter how many WSOP bracelets this fag wins.

Now, in a rather serious note, the 2007 World Series of Poker is finally here. Yep, it’s that time of the year when the top poker players of the world get up from their asses, put on a shirt, and pretend to be a ‘’professional'’ athlete.

Of course, what these guys do when they’re not gambling with a deck of cards is still in question. (Although we all know Phil Gordon likes to hump little boys…)

So, how do you win big poker tournaments like this? What do you have to do to win that WSOP bracelet and slap it on your wrists pretending it’s as valuable as, say… a Super Bowl championship ring?

Well, you can keep your mouth shut. That always works.

Keeping your mouth shut in a poker table always works. Of course, you DO NOT WANT to berate the dealer and call him names like ‘’retard'’ or ‘’when God had to poo, He came up with you.'’ If you get a bad hand, it’s not the dealer’s fault. (Hopefully anyway…) Leave the dealer alone or…

Read More » Best tip for 2007 World Series of Poker? Shut up…

Yesterday, we told you that the WSOP-brand video game from Activision was terrible. Faithful reader bcd from Sell The Kids agrees, but points something out we didn’t consider:

as mentioned in my review of Activion’s WSOP game for the PSP i whole-heartedly agree with your opinion that the game sucks.

- BUT -

having spoken again yesterday with several NFLers who were traveling this week, the PSP version is kick-ass for setting up ad-hoc wireless games, where you can substitute real dough for playdo.

Read More » The WSOP Video Game Might Not Suck On The PSP (If You Have Eight Similarly Equipped Friends And Time On Your Hands)

Goddammit, does Phil Hellmuth make for interesting TV sometimes. Last night in hour #1 of the WSOP telecast on ESPN, Hellmuth called an amateur’s all-in pre-flop holding Ace King. The amateur was thoroughly dominated, holding King Jack of Hearts. No flush draw going into the river, but do we need to tell you what spiked on fifth? Cribbed post-hand table talk right from the telecast:

This fricking donkey stuck fifteen thousand with King Jack. I mean, the guy can’t even spell "poker." I re-raised to let him know what I had… He peeled a King off - a Jack off for the sucker.

Read More » Hellmuth’s TV Meltdown, In Case You Missed It

Two new WSOP episodes on ESPN tonight, and it should be good television. The first hour is Event #22, the $1500 buy-in No Limit tournament, where Minh Nguyen, Greg Raymer and Mark Seif get to see if Devilfish Ulliott does indeed prefer the company of men. Not to spoil anything - and this may or may not be a clue - but Raymer comes in swinging the big chip stack.

Read More » WSOP 2005: New ESPN Episodes Tonight

Tonight’s 9PM EST ESPN WSOP televised event is June’s $5K No Limit Hold ‘Em final table featuring the likes of Todd Brunson, John Hennigan, Dustin "neverwin" Woolf, and active seniors John Bonetti and T.J. Cloutier. No spoilers here, but if we head back to Dr. Pauly’s live blogging of the event, we can assure you of a dramatic ending:

11:19pm… $5K NL Final update: (OneGuy) reraised preflop about $250K and (OtherGuy) went over the top all in. (OneGuy) who was pot-committed called. (OneGuy) had A5 and (OtherGuy) had AK. The flop was: 6-8-9. The turn: J.

Read More » WSOP 2005: The Old Guard Fights Back

Josh Arieh has awakened from his pastry-induced slumber and given us a great entry today on his blog about watching himself in the Pot Limit Omaha tournament on the ESPN’s World Series of Poker. He reminisces about last year’s outing by wormy Norman Chad as poker’s new King Twat, questions the generous amount of coverage to Chris Ferguson, and then, in what surely must’ve been a Jesus toast-like epiphany, he considers how he comes off on television:

Anyway…. I have come to realize that being an asshole on TV is much more entertaining. Maybe Phil Hellmuth was on to something when he thought of being a baby….. Where do I go from here??? I dont know… I’m not sure what to do… people say that its always easiest and more entertaining to just be yourself….

Read More » Josh Arieh: Promises More Cinnabon Tantrums on TV