Oddjack Cultural Oddsmaker: Paris Hilton’s Next Move

READ MORE: Paris Hilton, Claire Zulkey, Cultural Oddsmaker

It’s surprising that by now none of the online bookmakers have thrown up anything about the newly disengaged Paris Hilton at this point. We’ve waited. Patiently. But our patience wanes easily so instead we went out and recruited our very own Paris Hilton expert in the form of one Claire Zulkey: Journalist,satirist, pop culture enthusiast and Paris Hilton sycophant. And good Claire has not only presented us with a list of odds most likely to be put forth in the next few days about Paris, but also gives her own little commentary on their possible outcome. It’s a Cultural Oddjacking masterpiece. Follow the Zulkey-ized odds, after the jump.

Paris gets fat.

Paris seems like she’s the type who is naturally thin, so her getting fat anytime soon is unlikely. However, neither of her parents are especially svelte, plus if Britney Spears can bounce back to popularity after giving birth, Paris might follow in fashion. Insert video clip here of Judd Nelson: “You see, you’re gonna get married, you’re gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then…” Anyway, people will certainly talk about that, probably with more approval than anything else Hilton has done in her entire life.

200/1

Her next movie sucks

Not sure if this is amounts to a scandal, but would anybody have been talking about House of Wax if Hilton wasn’t in it? Her next movie, Pledge This, has Hilton is a much higher profile role, plus, it was made by the geniuses at National Lampoon. Could it be a female “Van Wilder”? Not even close.

2/1

She lipsyncs during live performances

Paris has been promising us a music album for some time now, and she’ll have to deliver. And if she wants people to buy whatever new piece of crap she’s hawking on us, she’ll have to make appearances. Paris’ public snafus seem too carefully planned to allow for the potential of an embarrassing screwup such as singing off-key, so is a ‘backing vocal’ in the future?

8/1

She lipsyncs on her album

It’s hard to listen to Paris talk, so listening to her sing really will be interesting. Lipsyncing on an album is rare but if you pray hard enough to the patron saint of Milli Vanilli, it won’t be her voice we’ll be hearing on her record.

32/1

She comes out of the closet for once and for all

Yes, yes, we all know that getting caught in sapphic smooch is a great way to hottenize yourself to the presses. But Paris has been caught in more than the occasional Madonna-on-stage liplock, and we have the camera phone pictures to prove it. Michael Musto claims here that Paris is a full-fledge dyke. Men everywhere hope for the forming of a Portia-and-Paris blonde lipstick lesbo brigade.

65/1

She comes out of the closet with Nicole Richie

It was more likely when Nicole was Paris’ dumpy, ugly, less famous friend and she wasn’t engaged to DJ Adam Goldensteinowitz. But there was a blind item once stating there was a sex video floating around involving Paris and a friend who sounded suspiciously like Richie. Strong possibility

3/1

Dirty pictures of her involving latest miniature pet

Ugh. This is just gross, but every rumor has to start somewhere.

5400/1

Fun With the Over/Under

Number of self-designed, grammatically-incorrect t-shirts Paris debuts in the next year: 4

Number of US Weekly Covers: 8

Number of press releases she puts out expressing sadness or confusion
or a request for privacy: 2

Number of new versions of her perfume line: 2

Number of photos shown online revealing a glimpse of nipple or vagina: 3

Number of photos published of her with half-asleep eyes and smug smirk: 1400

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