Oddjack Cultural Oddsmaker: Wild on Tara!

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This week’s cultural oddsmaker follows the bouncing scary monster boob of Tara Reid as she embarks upon her new career as host of E!’s Wild On series, which premieres tonight on 9 p.m. Has there ever been a Hollywood marriage more suited than this unholy union of woman, sun, sand, and 58-gallon margarita? We don’t think so. After the jump, follow guest oddsmaker Chris Mohney of our baby’s momma’s best friend’s brother site, Gridskipper, as he takes a break from tracking Rugenbrau festivals in Berne to handicap the crap out of Tara.

Tonight, nip-slip queen Tara Reid will host the premiere of Wild on Tara Reid, her new travel show on the E! network. The first episode follows Reid as she traipses around the Greek islands. Even as trashy celeb aficionados lick their lips at a potential train wreck of Anna Nicole Smith proportions (perhaps not those physically literal proportions), Reid and E! indignantly claim that the show will serve as a fun and informative travelogue. No no no, this shan’t be some globetrotting booze-drenched bacchanal! If that’s what E! wanted, why would they have hired an august personage like Tara Reid? Oh, right.

So yes, rest assured that various assistant producers will fan out across Europe to gather solid B-roll footage to splice between Reid’s frolicking on the beach, discreet visits to the cabana with the best coke, repeat frolicking, breezing through quaint village restaurants to pick at a local fish dish, then back to town for a salad and cocktails, then the clubs, then shots, then the off camera stagger, stagger, grub with pre-approved local gigolo or imported boytoy pal, roll, fall, puke, stagger, limo, assisted shower, bed, hangover, lather, rinse, repeat. As Reid herself says in the preview trailer, “I love people. I always have a good time … I’m known for that.” Indeed you are, honey.

Odds:

Reid is, at any given moment, wearing underwear: 8/1

Historical or cultural data from any featured destination successfully absorbed by Reid’s vodka sponge of a brain: 18/1

In any episode, Reid purchases locally produced article of clothing, models for camera, discards: 1/60

Reid, forced by handlers to watch running of bulls in Pamplona from safety of balcony, secretly fantasizes about slipping away and risking it all for a moment of glorious, transcendent freedom among the runners: 25/1

Americans below Reid’s Pamplona balcony secretly fantasize about screaming up to her, “Show us your tits!”: 10/1

They do so: 6/1

She complies: 3/1

They regret it: EVEN

Reid samples absinthe while in Barcelona: 2/1

Her mind opened by the psychoactive properties of “green fairy” libation, Reid renounces fame and opens a literary salon in a Tangier basement apartment: 10,000/1

Reid confuses Greek and Roman ruins, history, language, food, prophylactics: 1/9

Reid exposed to venereal disease she has not yet encountered: 75/1

Tipsy, blonde American starlet swarmed by cameras mistaken by locals for Greek goddess: 300/1

Tipsy, blonde American starlet swarmed by cameras mistaken by locals for Paris Hilton: 50/1

Tipsy, blonde American starlet swarmed by cameras mistaken by Hilton fiance and Greek playboy Paris Latsis for Paris Hilton: 3/1

Fun with the Over/Under

Number of times Reid denies in preview that show will focus on drunken partying: 2

Number of times Reid mentions “going to clubs” and/or “doing shots” in preview: 3

Ratio of on-camera drinks consumed by Reid to actual number of drinks consumed by Reid: 1:5

Number of local historians or respectable figures deceived into appearing with Reid, then later aghast at what they participated in: 17

Number of thoughtful nods per episode performed by Reid when something is being explained to her: 36

Average elapsed time between indulgent chuckling and disbelieving, embarrassed laughter by local guests when forced to converse with Reid: 90 seconds

Number of man-sluts contractually provided to Reid at each destination: 5

Previous Cultural Oddsmakers:
Gawker vs. Onion Softball [Oddjack]
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory [Oddjack]
Live 8 Odds [Oddjack]
New York City Gay Pride Parade [Oddjack]
Russel Crowe’s Next Victim [Oddjack]
New Vanity Fair Editor Odds [Oddjack]
Paris Hilton’s Engagement [Oddjack]