Oddjack Cultural Oddsmaker: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

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This week’s Oddjack Cultural Oddsmaker comes courtesy of a feisty blogger with a Starburst heart and a body made of Necco wafers, Detroit blogging Papa Doc Matt Tobey. Tobey’s diabolically absurd commentary can be ingested daily at his City of Floating Blogs, plus he’s also one of the former editors of the beloved ultra-fiction mindblower Haypenny(R.I.P.). Today, Tobey cleans out the cobwebs and embraces the candy rainbown that is Tim Burton’s weirdo kiddie flick, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which opens nationwide tomorrow. After the jump, find out what it looks like to handicap on low-grade blotter acid.

Sure today is Bastille Day, but going into the weekend, most Americans aren’t thinking “Let them eat cake” so much as “let them eat candy,” and some quirky-ass candy at that (Or is it quirky ass-candy?). That’s right, this Friday marks the release of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Tim Burton’s film adaptation of the Roald Dahl classic. Surprisingly for a kid-flick, the movie is surrounded by speculation. By now you’ve heard the cries that Burton and star Johnny Depp have created a film à clef based on Michael Jackson. But there’s more. And where there’s rampant conjecture, there are odds.

Odds:

The film will feature hot Oompa-Loompa-on-Oompa-Loompa action: 47/1
Johnny Depp will insist all press-junket reporters interview him in a pool of melted butterscotch: 35/1

Gene Wilder will protest the new film by slowly withering further into obscurity: 1/6

Filmgoers will be disappointed to discover composer Danny Elfman opted to score the film exclusively with instruments made of praline fudge: 19/2

Freddie Highmore, the actor portraying Charlie Bucket, will fall on hard times in his adulthood and star in the porno movie Charlie and the Bukkake Factory: 84/1

The wild success of the subsequent sequels Charlie and the Meat Processing Plant and Charlie and the Textile Mill will prove that blue-collar is in: 360/1

The actor who played Augustus Gloop in the original film will express his approval for the new film by eating the actor who plays Augustus Gloop in the new film: 2/1

Anyone will think of the post-grunge girl-band Veruca Salt whenever the character Veruca Salt is on screen: 1003/1

Members of the post-grunge girl-band Veruca Salt will sit in the back of the theater and exclaim, “So that’s where the post-grunge girl-band Veruca Salt got their name! I think I’ll go out and by several copies of their albums”: Even

Fun with the Over/Under

Jellybeans in any given scene: 6092

Jellybeans in any given scone: 6

Oscars the film will win: 1

Oscars the film would’ve won if they’d taken my advice and cast Burt Reynolds as the blood-thirsty cotton-candy-robot: 80

Number of times the phrase, “Golden ticket? How about a golden shower?” will successfully be used to pick up women when uttered at screenings of the film: 2

Number of times the phrase, “Golden ticket? How about a golden shower?” will successfully be used to pick up women when uttered at Geena Davis’s house: 562

Number of times I’ll see the film: 1

Number of times I’d see the film if they hadn’t cut the heavy petting scene between Grandpa Joe and the lollipop duck: 77

Fudge-packing jokes in the film: 2

Fudge-packing jokes in any given theater screening the film: 17

Previously: Oddjack Cultural Oddsmaker: Live 8 Odds [Oddjack]