Oddjack Expert: How To Avoid Looking Like A Live Poker Virgin

READ MORE: Oddjack Expert, Poker

Playing live poker in a casino for the first time can be intimidating, to say the least. The old adage about not being able to spot the fish in the first five minutes? Well, your fear smells like rainbow trout. Lucky for you, we’re coming to the rescue. After the jump, we’ll cover all the essentials you’ll need to get by in your first live game in Vegas…

U GOT THE LOOK

We were watching Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith last night on ESPN, which featured a roundtable - well, poker table - discussion with Evy Ng, Daniel Negreanu, Mike Matusow, and the inimitable Vince Van Patten. Smith asked the group, “What do you think of people that wear sunglasses when they play?” Negreanu immediately piped in, “They’re scared.”

Don’t be that guy. Don’t be the guy in the mirrored Ray-Bans or wraparound Oakleys, especially at the low limits. Even if you do have a “tell,” no one else at the table is going to be smart enough to pick it up anyway. Sunglasses say, “I watch poker on TV” to the rest of the table, to which they immediately discount your skill level by at least 25%. If you already suck, that doesn’t help. Think about it this way, if you’re raising to get people to fold, do you want them to think you’re a player who knows what he’s doing or not? Yeah, we thought so.

Also, and this would fall under the theorem first set by Led Zeppelin fans in the 1970s, just because you have poker-themed clothing doesn’t mean that it’s appropriate to wear those clothes to the poker room. You end up looking like the guy wearing the Houses of the Holy t-shirt to the Physical Graffiti tour, which is to say you’ll look like a retard. We know you like poker. Hell, we like poker too. That’s why we’ve left our ass print on the same chair for the last nine hours at this table. This especially applies to hats. They give away those PartyPoker caps like samples at a Sam’s Club, so you’re not special. Plus, it tends to indicate you’re an online player, which tends to indicate you’re new to playing live. Which, of course, means you’re an Internet moron.

Our advice? Anything that helps you blend into the white noise around you is a good thing. If your shirt is louder than the casino carpet? Leave it in the closet. If you’re rocking more logos than Kyle Busch on a Sunday afternoon? Time to go generic. Trying to advertise your skill level through your physical appearance can and will have the exact opposite effect. Hope you don’t mind getting your stone cold bluff called by bottom pair, that’s the curse of the new guy.

HOW TO ACT LIKE A VETERAN WHILE WETTING YOURSELF LIKE A ROOKIE

You know those ridiculously attractive chicks who are a solid two points on the one-to-ten scale hotter than anyone else in the room? You need to co-opt their mentality at the poker table. Inwardly, you need to know you’re the shit. You know three-of-a-kind beats two pair, and you’re pretty sure it’s the flush that’s higher than the straight. Outwardly, acting cocksure only brands you as an asshole, and assholes get people playing back at them all the time. You have to take a page from the hot chick playbook and act bored.

Yes, bored. Bored like you’re just killing time waiting for your centerfold girlfriend to get done playing $100 a hand blackjack. Bored like you’ve got far better things to do than worry about folding your nineteenth hand in a row, and bored like your insides aren’t churning calling a river bet with a terrible kicker. Never let them see you up or down. Don’t celebrate the big wins, that $300 pot is peanuts to you. Don’t toss a chair when you get drawn out either, just shrug it off. You’re unfettered by the losses, unaffected by the wins. This is everyday stuff to you, the swings of variance can’t possibly set you off. The cooler you keep it at the table, the more respect you’ll earn along the way.

There is one little thing you can learn to do to whittle away the idle moments at the table: chip tricks. Now, there’s a fine line between using chip tricks in the casual “I always aimlessly shuffle poker chips when I’m at the table” and “I’m Doug Henning, Flamboyant Master Illusionist.” If you happen to be especially dextrous and want to learn the full Dutch Boyd arsenal of tricks, be our guest. Just keep them to yourself. Shuffle two stacks of four or five at a time with one hand and keep looking bored. It’s one of those little things that makes people think you’ve got more experience than you have.

WALK THE WALK

The fundamental theorem of poker prejudice is that the very first time you look stupid at the table is the very last time anyone takes you seriously. So, arm yourself with a few verbal cues that will come in handy when you sit down.

· “Do I need to post?” - Depending on house rules, a new player to the table may have to post an out-of-position big blind to enter the game. If you’re just arriving to the tables, ask the dealer as they’re shuffling the muck from the previous hand. Sometimes you’ll be dealt in without having to spend a couple bucks, sometimes they’ll ask for the post. Either way, you look like you’ve been here before.

· Announce your actions before you make them - Don’t hold chips in your hand prior to your turn, and don’t act eager to throw your cards away either. Wait for your turn, take a deep breath, and say “Raise.” Then reach for your chips and count it out. Do it the same way every single time. Not only will this tag you as a deliberate and thoughtful player, it will also have the added effect of slowing you down and helps your energy settle so you don’t give anything away by acting too eager to play.

· Tip bigger than the other guys - We’ve seen a guy rake a $60 pot only to toss the dealer back $.50. You can do better than that. If everyone’s throwing a buck when they win, you throw two. It subtly shows the rest of the table that you have a disregard for the value of money, and are capable of seeing 300 chips instead of half your rent on the table.

· Shut the fuck up - Yes, it’s okay to have fun and relax and goof around - but you should know that every last word that comes out of your mouth will be judged. Ask a stupid question, get branded a stupid player. Try to justify a bad call, and you’ll be identified as an uninformed newbie. Compare notes with the guys on the cocktail waitress’ legs, ask if anyone knows the score, lament the Chad Pennington injury, just keep the Vince Van Patten crap to yourself.

· Don’t do an endzone dance when you score - The nicer you can be to the loser who you just busted for $40, the better he’s going to feel about sticking around and losing more money. If you win a big pot, act natural and confident, maybe even just a little apologetic. Just be polite and don’t spike the ball when you spike your three-outer. No one likes a bad winner.

It’s always a little daunting to step into a poker room for the first time, but remember one thing. At the lower limits, everyone sucks. Have fun, work on your game, and leave the Moneymaker costume and Terrell Owens attitudes at home.

Oddjack Expert: The First Thing To Know About Horse Handicapping

READ MORE: Horse Racing, Oddjack Expert, Strategy

There’s a fundamental difference between picking horses and handicapping a horse race. Handicapping is the complex process of figuring out who’s got what chance to win the race and why, while picking horses is about basing a selection on your handicapping efforts. After the jump, we’ll give you a look at a key concept for handicapping - determining pace…

SEEING THE FUTURE FROM THE RACING FORM

Pace handicapping isn’t the only method to divining a winner, but it’s easily the most important aspect of handicapping. Past performances are loaded with data, and if you can jump to the logical conclusion that past performance can be an indicator of future results, then identifying a horse’s running style should be relatively easy. Every race featured in the past performances contains a pace line, which identifies their position in relation to the leader and the horse in front of them at different points in the race. For example:

4² 5³ 3¹ 1^21/2 1^21/2

Assuming this race was at least 6^1/2 furlongs, you’ll see four points of call (fewer calls on shorter races). The first is position at the quarter (mile) pole. “4²” means fourth place, two behind the leader. The second call is the half pole. Keep in mind, this is the half-mile pole, not the halfway-through-the-race pole. Fifth, three behind the leader is the call here. Naturally, the three-quarter pole call is next, and it’s obvious that the horse has made a move from the half to the three-quarter. The fourth call is the “stretch call.” This shows where the horse is in the stretch, and in races of a mile or less is identical to the final call. The last call you’ll see is the finish call. The horse kept moving forward through the final half, putting 2^1/2 lengths between himself and second place at the wire.

Let’s assume this was the most recent race for this horse, and his last three races (all at a mile distance) had pace lines that looked like this (from most recent to least):

4² 5³ 3¹ 1² 1²

5³ 4³ 3¹ 2^neck 2^neck

5⁸ 6⁶ 5² 4⁸ 4⁸

What can you infer about this horse’s running style? The first thing you’ll notice is that this horse doesn’t open strong. Many horses have a late kick and don’t want to lead from wire-to-wire. But look at the lengths behind this horse was in the two most recent compared to the third. Either the horse came out sluggishly on that third line, or there was some hot speed in front of him. The three-quarter call on that pace line indicates that he probably closed a lot of ground between the half and three-quarter (like usual), but the finishing kick was not there, as he lost by a fairly wide margin. The assumption that there was a good deal more “early speed” in the race than he was used to facing is probably a good one. Early speed will look like this on a pace line (note first two or three points of call only):

1¹ 1¹ 1² 5⁴ 5⁴

This line shows a horse that fired early, held a solid lead through three-quarters, but couldn’t close the deal.

RUNNING THE RACE BEFORE THE RACE IS RUN

So how do you use these numbers? You’ve got to put the puzzle together using the data you’ve been given and run the race in your head. Let’s say you’ve got seven horses in a race, and you’re looking only at the most recent pace lines (you’ll need look at more than one each, this is just an example) to try and figure out what’s going to happen. Assume all these horses ran miles their last time out, just to keep the data consistently comparable. Here’s the data you’re using:

#1 Abba Girl - 1² 2² 2¹ 3¹ 3¹

#2 BringSome - 3³ 4⁴ 4³ 2¹ 2¹

#3 Canonball - 6⁶ 5⁷ 6⁹ 8¹¹ 8¹¹

#4 Dreadnaut - 1¹ 1² 1⁵ 1^head 1^head

#5 EitherOar - 1¹ 1³ 1⁵ 3^neck 3^neck

#6 FoneTrick - 4⁵ 5⁷ 6⁷ 1¹ 1¹

#7 Gazzeloni - 2¹ 3¹ 3¹ 1⁵ 1⁵

What’s going to happen when they open the gates? First thing to notice is that there are three horses here who are going to want to be out front - Abba Girl, Dreadnaut, and EitherOar. Abba Girl’s got the rail, and that’s going to benefit her quite a bit, letting her settle into position without any contention from her left (where there’s no one), or from the horses to her immediate right - both of whom aren’t likely to battle her for the front of the pack. Dreadnaut and EitherOar should be able to move out front pretty easily too, so you can assume they’re going to be fighting for the front before they even hit the quarter pole.

So where does that leave the rest of the pack? BringSome and Gazzeloni are stalkers. They’re going to try to sit just off the pace and fire when the time is right. Canonball is a dog, you can throw that horse right out of your pace scenario. Someone’s got to be in last place, right? FoneTrick is the deep closer of the pack. She’s layed well off the pace, and is very capable of striking in the last quarter mile, having made up quite a bit of ground in her last.

At this point you know roughly how the race should shape up through the first three-quarters. The three front-runners will fight for the lead, BringSome and Gazzeloni will wait for their chance to move up, FoneTrick is going to be content to wait to strike, and Canonball will bring up the rear.

SO THIS IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW, RIGHT?

So who’s going to win? Unfortunately, you’re not going to be able to tell just from the pace lines. Gazzeloni’s recent effort looks really good, but you’ll have to consider if her competition was as good as these horses - or more importantly, as fast. If there was no speed (no pace) in that last race at all, it’s easy for a capable stalker to let a plodding race shape up around them and fire out for the victory. If there’s three horses burying the needle on the speedometer in front of her, she might have a problem. EitherOar looks like she might have problems finishing, but if her competition was a good deal better than these, she may be one to look at. FoneTrick will probably be the trickiest one to predict. How much early speed was in her last? Is she only good at catching tiring horses, or is she passing strong finishers? What happens when a capable stalking horse is in front of her?

For every question you’re able to answer looking at the pace lines, you should be asking yourself another. Why was BringSome not able to win last time? Is a Place for her in that company a good effort? What’s Canonball doing in this race? Do her connections see something you don’t? Just how good was Dreadnaut’s wire-to-wire victory? Is she likely to repeat the effort?

The first key to handicapping is understanding what you think could possibly happen on the track. You’ll need to bring some knowledge of speed and class as well, but pace is the first step to making an informed selection. Without an understanding of pace and how the race is likely to play out, you’re just left guessing on funny names, pretty colors or lucky numbers.

Past Performances Tutorial [Daily Racing Form]
Previously: Oddjack Expert: What the Hell Am I Betting On Here? [Oddjack]
Previously: Primer: Pretending You’re Not A Rookie At The Track [Oddjack]

Oddjack Expert: How to Win the Office Football Pool

READ MORE: Oddjack Expert, Office Football Pools

The NFL season officially starts tonight and with that is also the arrival of a long-standing cubicle drone tradition: the company office pool. Yes, all across the country people will begin getting hassled by the office pool monkey about getting in your money, making your picks, being reminded to pick the tiebreaker total, etc. Most likely you’ve already received an e-mail from individual(usually it’s a guy named ‘Dave’, the trustworthy fellow who has the discipline to keep all that cash in a shoebox and not skim from it throughout the year) with an all caps subject line reading “PICKS DUE TODAY!!!!” Through many years of tireless research and boring-ass jobs we’ve unlocked the secrets to winning your weekly company office pool. Join us, after the jump, won’t you?

BE NICE TO DAVE

Dave the office pool guy will be in charge of collecting and keeping track of all the picks. If he tallies them through Yahoo Sports’ Pro Football Pick ‘Em, his job would be a lot easier, but we’re pretty sure he likes printing out the paper pools. He enjoys making 4,000 copies of them just so he can go talk to his buddy at Kinko’s every week. And, obviously, Dave likes to be in charge of things—he’s not office manager for nothing. That’s why he runs this pool every year. A key to a successful season depends on your relationship with Dave. Through him, you’ll start getting some early reads on who in the office is picking which team. If you play dumb and act innocent enough, he may show you a few “examples” so you get the idea of how to make your picks. You’ll get a good feel from a wide-reaching office demographic who the favorites are and where you can make the most impact on your picks. Sometimes it’s best to stay away from games everyone is picking. Dave knows these answers—and much, much more.

SMOKE BREAKS WITH MEATHEADS

Sure, we know you’re busy people, but the only real way to get a slight edge on the competition is to do hours upon hours of research. But if you can’t do that, it’s best to surround yourself with people who do. Cozy up to the ex-jocks in the office—we’re sure they’re super-competitive about this sort of thing. You know, the same way they are about trashcan basketball, intramural softball, and chicken wing eating contests. You can buddy up to them by asking questions about game trends, the team’s record against the spread(ATS), how teams fair in certain weather conditions, etc. This works better if you’re a female, obviously. If you’re a guy, they may look at you funny and wonder why you haven’t learned this stuff years ago. And you may get beat up. And remember—most people will hate having smoke breaks with these guys during football season because the office pool is all they’ll talk about. “Hey, I saw you picked the Browns last week, Charlotte! The Browns! Are you insane? Bwaaahaha!” Just laugh with them. Make fun of Charlotte until she bows her head in shame to hide the tears.

BEFRIEND THE UNWED MOTHER WITH YOUNG CHILDREN

Every office has one of these women. Sometimes they’re office managers(like Dave!). Sometimes they’re secretaries. Sometimes—okay MAYBE—they’re a little higher up in the company. However, what these women do have in common is an insatiable need to let their two-year-olds make picks for them. And every year one of these ladies’ kids will go on a phenomenal run and win three weeks in a row. These children are these women’s lives. You know what’s second? Their jobs. That’s why they always end up in office pools and sometimes pay for the babysitter just so they can go hit happy hour at TGIF. They like to feel a part of the team. Make sure you sidle up to them. Offer to babysit their children and pump their kids for information. There is a Vegas handicapper lying within each and every precocious child good with the K’Nex building sets.

DON’T FEAR THE COMPUTER GUYS

Sure, they’re surly. They make you feel stupid. They are always annoyed with your inane questions and they often love speaking on their cell phone walkie-talkies. However, they’re also most likely plotting out their own football pool computer programs in an attempt to win as much money off the people they hate more than anything in the world: stupid people like you. They’ll have spreadsheets and complex algorithms in place by week 6 that’ll have them winning at least 12 games per week. Ladies, this is your chance to make a little extra money on the side—one quick date with the geekiest computer guy at your company could be a nice way to get that Christmas shopping money you always promise yourself you’ll start saving for, but never do. Or you could buy that nice Chanel clutch purse you saw last weekend at the mall. Whatever makes you feel better. And all of this just for a nice semi-romantic evening with Saji? He’s harmless, trust us.

KILL FUCKING DAVE

He’s sitting on a pile of cash and come week 12, if you haven’t seen any of it, it’s time to take matters into your own hands. Find out where he keeps the money—most likely it’s somehwere safe in the office; he’d feel much too guilty bringing it home with him. If Dave has a Paypal or other online wire transfer account, well, your new friends in the computer programming department can figure out how to hack into that shit. They can be in on it too. Just give them 30% or something—maybe a little extra to keep their mouths shut and help you dispose of the body. Remember to use lye so the bones disintegrate.

Good luck with your season!

Previously: Oddjack Expert: Madden’06 [Oddjack]

Oddjack Expert: Madden ‘06

READ MORE: Madden '06, Oddjack Expert, Side Bets

So, a lot of those TKE guys in accounting took off today, huh? Good for them. They have the right idea as this is traditionally one of the most fun days to embrace suspended adolescence and not feel too bad about it. Yes, it’s officially the release of Madden ‘06. Order up the Domino’s 555 deals, get the gravity bong cleaned, and, hey, instead of banking your money on the standard head-to-head match-ups with your favorite teams, why not try these side bets to make this joyous day of mindless, jerk-off fun somewhat profitable for those of us who really suck at Madden? Here’s a list of side bets you can use to make this glorious Tuesday a money maker if you can’t win anything else. Might as well, jump…

MADDEN ‘06 SIDE BETS:

· FIRST PLAYER TO GET A SORE THUMB

· FIRST PLAYER TO HAVE HIS GIRLFRIEND CALL

· FIRST PLAYER TO CALL HIS GIRLFRIEND

· PLAYER WHO DOESN’T CHIP IN FOR FOOD

· PLAYER MOST LIKELY TO WEAR A FOOTBALL JERSEY

· FIRST PLAYER TO GO HOME EARLY

· LAST PLAYER TO GO HOME

· PLAYER MOST LIKELY TO CALL OUT TOMORROW AS WELL

· PLAYER MOST LIKELY TO SUGGEST DESIGNING OWN UNIFORMS

· PLAYER MOST LIKELY TO BUY CD OF BAND BECAUSE THEY HEARD SONG ON MADDEN

· FIRST PLAYER TO USE THE PHRASE “MY BITCH” TO THEIR OPPONENT

· FIRST PLAYER TO BRAG ABOUT HIS ONLINE RECORD IN MADDEN 2K4

· OVER/UNDER ON AMOUNT OF TIME IT TAKES YOUR ROSTER TWEAKER TO FINISH MAKING THE ROSTERS “RIGHT” BEFORE GAMES CAN BE PLAYED

· FIRST PLAYER TO ACCUSE OTHER PLAYER OF LOOKING AT HIS PLAYS

· FIRST PLAYER TO THROW CONTROLLER

· FIRST PLAYER TO ABUSE HIGHLIGHT FUNCTION

· FIRST PLAYER TO PUNCH WALL/FLOOR/HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE

Oddjack Expert: How to Sound Like a Gambling Genius

READ MORE: Gambling Terms, Oddjack Expert, primer

Do you find yourself getting confused by some of the acronyms thrown around by many of the sportsbooks and find yourself getting confused between an ATS and an ATV? Do your serious gambling friends make fun of you behind your back because they call you “Hedge” all the time and you always assumed it was because you like to do yard work? Well, come out of that dark, lonely corner young betting neophyte and observe Oddjack’s handy glossary of some typical and not so typical gambling terms. Read all of the listings after the jump and instantly become one of the cool kids.

ABBREVIATIONS FOR THE UNINITIATED

SU - Straight Up
ATS - Against the Spread
HC - Head Coach
HT - Home team in CAPS
TY - This Year
LY - Last Year
P - Pick em
O - Offense
D- Defense
OL - Offensive Line
DL - Defensive Line
DD - Double Digits
OPR - Opponents Power Rating
YPG - Yard Per Game
PPG - Points Per Game
FA - Free Agent
YR YPR - Yards Rushing Yards Per Rush
TDP - Touch Down Passes
YPC - Yards Per Catch
INT - Interceptions
ST - Special Teams
DC - Defensive Coordinator
OC - Offensive Coordinator
KR - Kick Returner
YP - Yards Passing

ENOUGH GAMBLING TERMS TO MAKE YOU WANNA SLAP YOUR MOMMA

ACTION A bet
ATS Against the spread
B.R. Bankroll
BAD BEAT Tough loss
BEARD Messenger bettor
BEEF Dispute
BUCK $100
CHALK Favorite
CHALK EATER Favorite bettor
CHURN The effect of betting and re-betting money
CIRCLE GAME Game where action is limited due to uncertainties about weather, injuries, etc.
COVER Win by more than the point spread
DEGENERATE Compulsive gambler
DIME $1,000
DOLLAR $100
EARN Practical hold percentage
EDGE Advantage
EXOTIC BET Action other than a straight bet or parlay.
EXPOSURE The amount of money the house actually stands to lose on a game or a race.
EXTENSION The amount of money the house theoretically will risk losing on a game or a race.
FIGURE Amount owed by or to a bookmaker.
FIRING Betting a lot. A player who is “firing” is wagering large sums.
FLEA An annoying human parasite who wants something for nothing; a $2 bettor who expects to be rewarded for his action.
FORM What performance is to be expected according to how a team looks on paper.
GET DOWN Make a bet
GROSS WIN Win before expenses
HANDICAPPER One who studies sports and predicts outcomes.
HANDLE Total amount of bets taken.
HEDGE Bet the opposite of your original wager in order to reduce the amount of action you have on a game.
HOLD The percentage the house wins.
HOOK Half point in pointspreads, as in “lost by the hook.”
HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE Edge the home team is expected to have as a result of familiarity with the playing area, favorable demographics and effect of travel on the visiting team.
HOOPS Basketball
HOT TIP Information the bookmaker is not yet privy to.
JONAH Bettor who backs large favorites
JUICE Bookmaker’s commission, most often refers to the 11 to 10 football bettors lay on straight wagers; vigorish.
LAY A PRICE Bet a favorite, lay the points.
LAYOFF BET A wager made by one bookmaker with another to help balance his action and reduces his risk on one side or one horse.
LIMIT Maximum bet accepted by the house before the price will be changed.
LINE The betting proposition on a game and/or payoff odds on the bet.
LONGSHOT Large underdog
MIDDLE To win both sides of a game. For example, if you bet the underdog +3 1/2 and the favorite - 2 1/2 and the favorite wins by 3, you’ve MIDDLED the book. The book has BEEN MIDDLED.
NEUTRAL SITE Arena, court or field where neither side has a home field advantage.
NICKEL $500
OFF THE BOARD Game where no bets are being accepted.
OUT Bookmaker, usually refers to an illegal bookmaker
OVERLAY When the odds on a proposition are in favor of the bettor rather than the house.
PARLAY A bet with two or more teams where all the teams must win for the bettor to be successful.
PAST POST To make a bet after an event has started.
PICK OR PICK’EM A game where neither team is favored.
PLAYER Bettor, gambler.
PRACTICAL HOLD PERCENTAGE The amount won by a bookmaker divided by the total amount booked.
PRESS To bet a larger amount than usual.
PRICE Line
PUPPY Underdog
PUSH Tie
ROUND ROBIN A series of parlays. A three-team round robin consists of one three-team parlay and three two-team parlays.
RUNDOWN Line update
RUNNER See Beard
SCALPER One who attempts to profit from the differences in odds from book to book by betting both sides of the same game at different prices. SCORE To win a lot of money.
SCRATCH Withdraw; cancel
SHARP Wise guy
SHORTSTOP A small bettor.
SIDE To win one side and tie the other. For example, if you lay -2 1/2 and take 3 on the same game and the favorite wins by 3 you have SIDED the book. The book has been SIDED.
SQUARE Unsophisticated gambler.
STEAM Heavy action on one side.
STRAIGHT BET A bet on just one team.
SUCKER BET Bet with a large house edge.
TAKE A PRICE Bet the underdog, take the points.
TAPPED OUT Broke, busted, common result of pressing.
THEORETICAL HOLD PERCENTAGE The edge the bookmaker would have IF the odds guaranteed him a constant commission regardless of the outcome. TOKE A tip or gratuity.
TOSS UP Game where the line is close to pick-em.
TOUT SERVICE A business that sells opinions on sporting events.
TRIPLE SHARP The sharpest of the sharp. (Note: There is no such term as “Double Sharp”).
UNDERLAY When the odds on a proposition are in favor of the house.
VALUE An overlay
VIGORISH See Juice
WISE GUY Established and successful sports bettor.

Oddjack Expert: What the Hell Am I Betting On Here?

READ MORE: Horse Racing, Oddjack Expert, primer

So a week ago we introduced you to the different bets you can make while out at the track. Win, Place, Show, Daily Double, Trifectas… the works. You think you’ve got it all figured out, and then some cigar-stained old guy turns to the guy on his left and says, “I dunno what the hell Pletcher’s doing with this horse. Ran him in $25k claimer sprints his last three, didn’t fire, and all of a sudden he’s supposed to contend in allowance class at one-and-a-quarter on the grass?”

Yeah, we were confused at first too. But lucky for you, Oddjack’s horseplayer crew has assembled a brief glossary of what you’ll see between the covers of your program. This may not turn you into a savvy player overnight, but at bare minimum you’ll know what you’re about to put your two bucks on.

Click on in for more…

RACING A LA CARTE

Every horse race is not the same. You’ll notice that first thing when you open up your program. Sure, they all start out of a gate, and usually it’s little Central and South American dudes on the backs of My Friend Flicka doing the driving, but a horse is not just a horse. His trainer has to figure out where to race him. Let’s start at the bottom.

· Maiden - Maiden races are for horses that have never won a race before. Once the horse wins (or, “breaks his maiden”), he’s ineligible to run in this class again. 99% of all horses run through these ranks to get their first victory, from the $500 nag at Yavapi Downs to Secretariat, and everyone in between. Since these horses are usually relatively unseasoned, especially first-time starters, there’s a thought that somehow these races are unpredictable, and therefore friendly for longshot bettors. If you think that, you’d be wrong. In these maiden ranks, if there’s a heavy favorite, he’s there for a reason. Don’t be a hero.

· Claiming - Claiming races are the great equalizer of the thorougbred racing game. Any horse entered in a claiming race can be bid for purchase (or “claimed”) by any registered thoroughbred owner prior to the race. This is what prevents Afleet Alex’s trainer from racking up some easy money against terrible horses. If a thoroughbred legend were entered in a $25k claiming race, he could be bought straight-up for $25k. In theory and practice, this keeps horses worth $5k racing against other horses worth $5k, and so on up the ladder. Most races across America are of the claiming variety, and these should be the bread and butter of any horseplayer’s game.

· Allowance - Allowance races are generally a step up from claiming, but are also measured by a dollar figure - in this case, the size of the purse. Since a trainer isn’t risking losing ownership of the horse in these races, they are apt to try and find spots in allowance classes where their horses have a shot to win the big share of the prize pool. While it would be a waste of time for a Kentucky Derby-caliber horse to try and win a $25k allowance race, a horse used to running in $10k claiming company may find the purse irresistable. If you study the program for allowance races, you’ll usually find a horse or three that belong, and a few that are just shooting for the moon. Since some horses come up through claimers to try their hand here, while others make a living in allowance class, it isn’t easy to compare apples to apples on the program, making allowance races a somewhat challenging group to handicap.

· Stakes - Whether it’s the Belmont Stakes from historic Belmont Park or the lowly Wolverine Stakes from Michigan’s bottom-of-the-barrel Great Lakes Downs, stakes races run the gamut of thoroughbred racing. Stakes races have a restricted entry pool, and generally a higher payout than allowance races at the same track. For example, America’s most famous stakes race is the $1,000,000 Kentucky Derby, restricted to the top 20 money earning three year-old thoroughbreds who applied for consideration months before selection. Stakes are either “graded,” meaning given a degree of difficulty (G-I being the best, G-III being the lowest grade), or non-graded, which represent the vast bulk of stakes competition across the country. In an earlier post we covered why betting on the big graded stakes races isn’t always a good idea for the unseasoned bettor, and we’re sticking by that advice here. Everything else? Have at ‘em.

WOULDN’T KNOW A FURLONG FROM A KILOMETER?

Once you’ve got the class of race down, take a peek at the distance. There’s a line right down the middle in thoroughbred racing between sprints and routes. Some horses are built like dragsters, some like rally cars. You always want to notice where your two dollar pick has his specialty.

· Sprints - Anything up to and including a mile is a sprint. It’s that simple. A furlong is an eighth of a mile, and since they don’t use the term to describe races longer than 7/8 of a mile (seven furlongs), you’ll know if you hear “furlong,” you’re watching a sprint. Normally, the short ones are a minimum of four furlongs (4f). Anything shorter, and you should determine whether you’re watching thoroughbreds or their funny munny cousins - the quarterhorses.

· Routes - Since anything a mile or under is a sprint, anything over and including a mile and a sixteenth is a route. These are the Michael Johnson 400m runners in comparison to their Carl Lewis sprint cousins. The most important question to ask when you’re looking at horses in a route is “have they ever run this far successfully before?”

THEY PLAY ON GRASS? WHAT IS THIS, WIMBLEDON?

The last thing to look at when you’re sizing up the type of race you’re looking to bet is what surface is going to be in play - dirt or turf?

· Dirt - The vast majority of American racing is done on the dirt, compared to our limey-ass warm-beer drinking retarded brothers across the Atlantic, who prefer their horses running on grass. Since most horses are brought up running on dirt, you generally don’t even have to think about this as a difference-maker/breaker in your handicapping. But…

· Turf - …Turf racing is another story altogether. Horses don’t usually make the jump between turf and dirt without losing a little something in translation, so if you see five seasoned quality turf horses, and one dirt superstar running on the grass, you may want to give the main-track horse a little bit of a mental discount. Also, one little truism you can take to the bank is that turf races are usually won within the last furlong. In other words, if you’re rooting like mad for front-running “Secret Romeo” around the turn and into the stretch, chances are he’s going to get passed in the final strides. Look for horses that can make up ground at the end at that distance, and are seasoned and successful grass runners. If you find that combo, bet your college fund.

SO AM I FINALLY READY TO BET NOW MISTER ODDJACK?

Although there’s still a lot to learn about this game, we’re happy to turn you loose to the track at this point to get a taste of thoroughbred racing. It’s a great deal of fun, the beer’s cheap, and hitting a trifecta makes you feel like Stephen Hawking meets Pete Rose. You’ll puff your chest out like the smartest guy in the room, turn to your buddy and say, “I knew that three would fire at the eighth pole. Valenzuela on the mount and he’s coming out of allowance class into $20k claiming company? How could I not bet him?”

Just don’t forget to send us our cut.

Thoroughbred Racing Glossary [DaveyDos]
Previously: Primer: Pretending You’re Not A Rookie At The Track [Oddjack]
Previously: You’re Dead Money At The Track [Oddjack]

Oddjack Expert: Who Should’ve Won the WSOP?

READ MORE: Joseph Hachem, Oddjack Expert, WSOP 2005

It’s a big wide world of poker out there, and for every idiot journalist hitching his wagon to the gravy train and taking that free Vegas trip to write a piece of crap or two about poker, you’ve got a dozen bloggers in cyberspace dishing poker - better - for free. With the World Series of Poker complete, we thought we’d give some of poker blogger nation an opportunity to sound off on who would’ve been the better WSOP 2005 champion than Jospeh Hachem. No offense, Joe, but nobody outside of Brisbane wanted you to win that bracelet.

After the jump, see who our panel would’ve liked to see.

IT COULD’VE BEEN BETTER IF…

ESPN’s wet dream scenario of a final table crashed and burned in the mid 20s Thursday night. Phil Ivey? Gone. Greg Raymer? Gone. Mike Matusow made it to the final nine, but without the Raymer story behind him he was just some poor sport pro poker player like Phil Hellmuth without the Zen Buddhism keeping him even.

So from the final table, the last nine alive, we had an American pro (Matusow), an Irish pro (Andy Black), and… a butcher, a baker, and five candlestick makers so far as we know. In the aftermath of Joe Hachem’s victory (he was “the Baker” we think), we asked a few of our friends this question: “Whose victory from the final nine would have been the best story?”

Chris, the Poker Geek,:

Watching the main event of the World Series from the internet in the offices of Full Tilt “Please-For-The-Love-of-God-Let-Matusow-Win” Poker has made for a really interesting experience. Matusow was all-in on only the second hand of the tournament, and you have never seen such an excited group of officemates rush to a single computer to listen to the CardPlayer live netcast. When ESPN broadcasts the tournament, it’s a lock that he’s gonna be all over it, along with Ivey, Lederer, and Juanda, sporting their logo best. But if he went deep on the final table, it would be a huge boost. Look at PokerStars after Moneymaker and Raymer won it. Meanwhile, half the office was convinced we’d done a Matusow “Piece of the Pro” tourney, and would be paying out big. The other half was dead sure we hadn’t. I still have no idea who’s right.

Was I cheering for Matusow because I really wanted him to win, or was it the corporate whore in me? Honestly, both. Phil Hellmuth said later on during the Cardplayer broadcast that ESPN was miffed that Matusow went to Hellmuth and company to talk after the elimination rather than do a standard exit interview with them. Hellmuth also said that after the two beats Mike took, he needed support from his friends - ESPN be damned. Mike’s highs are really high, and his lows are really low. And I, sadly, am very similar. This all adds up to me rooting for a Matusow redemption story.

Maudie from Poker Perspectives:

Andy Black, as a poker player and a person, bridges the gap between the “unknowns” and the over-hyped image of the current cadre of Poker Pro-cum-Celebrity. He’s a pro, a gentleman and a solid player letting his skills at the table speak quietly for him - a welcomed contrast to the sturm und drang of the Matusows whose bad-boy attempts at intimidation are akin to the bully who stuffs a roll of socks in his shorts - impressive at a glance, but no more than a sweaty wad of false courage in reality.

Hachem will no doubt bring international focus to poker. However, due to an already established reputation, a Black victory would have brought even a brighter spotlight to the game world-wide. Who knows what that could’ve done to bring some pressure to bear or to remove some proverbial corn-cobs from some proverbial butts within our own borders regarding the game’s legality both online and off? Black would’ve made another excellent poker ambassador, as well - cool, positive and a helluva card player.

Bob Respert from Based On Years Of Experience:

It doesn’t matter who won. So it was an unknown player. Big deal. Poker won’t suffer because of that result. It won’t explode in popularity because of it either, and if you quit shaking your head like I’m wrong and just think about it, you’d agree.

People with poker aspirations will find a reason to play sooner or later. Maybe a friend, maybe a tournament on TV, or maybe seeing chips on sale at Bed Bath and Beyond. The point is they will get there eventually. The WSOP is not the only way to flip the poker switch on in these soon-to-be gamblers. The fishies see an amateur win and it just solidifies their belief that someday, if they play every hand dealt to them, they willl be able to win a huge tournament too. They won’t play harder, or more often, because of who won. They already have unrealistic expectations. That’s why they’re fish. The pros might be disappointed about losing the holy grail to an amateur, but the game is growing. Endorsements, dead money, and total prize pools are all on the rise. That has little to do with who actually wins a single tournament each year. Television execs always hope for whatever makes the greatest story. With enormous prize pools, celebrities, and the best players in the world playing virtually every tournament, the month-long WSOP will be great TV regardless of who’s the winner.

Last of all you have the hardcore poker fans, bloggers, and players. All we need is a result. The cards to fall, if you will. That alone will generate enough suckouts, story lines, poor play, and whiny rampages to make us happy. Poker is like Paris Hilton. You can’t stop her, you can only hope to contain her. Preferably on video.

Oddjack Expert: How to Start Your Own Celebrity Death Pool

READ MORE: Oddjack Expert

Today’s Oddjack Expert come courtesy of Josh Abraham, crazy kookster from the website Yankee Pot Roast, who misses the good ol’ days of Celebrity Death Pools—you know, before the whole online community picked it up and ran with it. The same way rotisserie baseball started with a giant scorebook, a point system and pens, celebrity death pools began the same way. After the jump, Mr. Abraham gives a cursory overview of how to start your own Celebrity Death Pool and why we should stay away from Abe Vigoda.

The Celebrity Death Pool comes in many perverse flavors and styles [See: stiffs.com, gorillamask.com, melodyr.com, kickthebucket.com, et al.], but in those heady offline days, the very concept was wrapped in the seedy mystique and sinful intrigue of any underground sport, like cockfighting or slave smuggling. You’d hear about some sick fuckers someplace wagering which sepia-toned relic would buy the farm first—and then some lucky prick would win a bundle by having the gruesome foresight to gamble on a dark horse like John Denver. Of course, once I’d heard such a game existed, I immediately consulted an actuary to assist in the calculation of odds and the collecting of I.O.U.s.

To run a successful Celebrity Death Pool, you’ve got to first separate yourself from your moral sense of decency, which, if in full working order, should be screaming in your ear that wagering on the lifespans of fellow human beings is a deplorable act. It helps to remember that celebrities truly are stars: great, big shiny things that exist at implausible distances from humanity and will, eventually, extinguish.

Next, you’ve got to figure out the likelihood of expiry and assign point values. Obviously there’s an inverse relationship between age and points: Old people like Abe Vigoda or the Queen Mum are sure bets and thus worth only a point a piece; child stars like Jonathan Lipnicki or lil’ Chrissy from Growing Pains are as close to immortal as can be, and thus worth 10 points. Then you’ve got to factor in the risk level of their job: Any rapper other than L.L. Cool J is likely to be shot. Any rock star worth his record sales should OD by age 27 – and don’t forget that plane crashes still claim our singers young. People who ritually engage in high-risk behavior (e.g., Robert Downey Jr.) should be worth less points, as should those who’ve got obvious health risk. SNL cast members die shockingly early deaths for reasons ranging from drugs to murder-suicide. Loud, fat comedians do not live long either. Mary-Kate, obviously, is a little more likely to bite it than Ashley.

Then you’ve got to raise points for those who’ve should’ve been corpses decades ago and yet consistently evade the Grim Reaper: Fidel Castro, Keith Richards, Abe Vigoda… these folks would give Rasputin a run. To spice things up, gamblers should be allowed to bet on a set number of specific people and a set number of wildcards or members of a subgroup: a Golden Girl, a Rolling Stone, a Latin American dictator, a diminutive black former child star of a primetime sitcom in the 80s with a pituitary disorder. These odds are made by averaging the chances of death of each contender. It widens the game and makes for some heated discourse when contesting who may or may not fit into a certain category.

Finally, it must be clearly stipulated in the rules that any bettor who in any way tampers with the natural course of life and death (i.e., shoots, stabs, or poisons a movie star) must be disqualified … and his ante shall not be returned. This is very important.

Previously: Oddjack Expert: What Your Poker Shirt Says About You [Oddjack]

Oddjack Expert: What Your Poker Shirt Says About You

READ MORE: Oddjack Expert

We here at Oddjack are not the most fashionable bunch. In fact, today we’re wearing the same exact thing as we did two days ago and carrying our dirty underwear in a plastic shopping bag(long story). However, we’d like to think that we’re still have better fashion sense than poker players. Specifically, poker players that wear this crap. After the jump, read Oddjack’s breakdown of some of the poker clothes available and what other people are thinking when they actually see you wearing it.

Here’s a t-shirt for the dedicated American Chopper fan. The poker shirt for the guy who wants to look tough, but never had enough balls to get the flaming skull tatoo on his shoulder blade that he always wanted— he opted to get clear braces instead. Well, now that he’s been cleaning up the Thursday night $5/$10 games with the guys in the marketing department, he’s ready to show everybody the “real” him. He’s not just a corporate drone slowly cresting on an uninspired wave of monotony for a cushy retirement nest-egg—he’s a poker rebel. So, watch out.

Other patented wardrobe accessories: Teva sandals, wrinkle-free khakis, tassled loafers, and XL sweatshirts.

“I’m sorry, sir, I don’t ‘got’ poker, but I do have two tickets to the Candlebox concert down at the Teaneck Fair Grounds and was wondering if you’d be interested in going…” Yes, this shirt pretty much shrieks “I Love 1994”, so for mid-30s poker players this will probably still seem humorous. Wistful college nostalgia does do that to people. Yeah, we know those were great days sitting around the apartment watching Singles over and over again. And, yeah, we know that Tribe Called Quest’s ‘Scenario’ was the greatest song made for white people that do keg stands. But the shirt is still completely fucking lame and if it’s worn at the poker table, be prepared to smothered in a flannel button-down before the turn card hits.

Other patented wardrobe accessories: Co-ed Naked Volleyball t-shirts, Doc Martens, and braided belts.

Hey, it’s fat guy! Here’s a great shirt for lounging in your above-ground pool, floating on a whale raft, and drinking Old Milwaukee out of beer huggy, but in terms of appropriate poker wear it screams “amateur” and “I have cake batter for blood” more than anything else. So, thank your wife for the gift certificate to Spencer’s, but just spend the $50 on one of those funny golf trivia calendars or cocktail stirrers in the shape of penises.

Other patented wardrobe accessories: Fishing hats, ketchup-stained sleeveless undershirts, arch supports, and excessive neck sweat.

So, we were hoping the denim button-down would come back in style. We were also hoping that we could be dropped in a remote African jungle blindfolded and have our rib cage ripped out by a pack of howler monkeys. The denim shirt phase had its peak during the Billy Ray Cyrus “Achy Breaky Heart” era. So, we pretty much know once this person sits down at the table wearing a custom-fitted denim poker shirt that they’ll not only be an easy mark, but also most likely lost their virginity underneath the bleachers during a Monster Truck competition. Probably to a gal named “Trish” who had a speech impediment and impetigo.

Other patented wardrobe accessories: Denim shirts featuring Looney Tunes characters on back and breast pocket, denim shirts featuring Walt Disney characters on back and breast pocket, denim shirt with company name on back and breast pocket.

Poker “diva”, huh? Wow. We thought we were looking at Beyonce across the table—for a minute. That is until we noticed the giant-ass arms, ridiculous dye-job, too-tight Bongo jeans, and fake gold necklace with the “#1 Mom” charm on it. Then we realized we were just sitting across from a lonely thrice-divorced woman who hasn’t been lucky in love—so she’d figure she’d try her luck at cards. Awww. We’ll wait for the Lifetime movie to get the full scoop as to why you’re a diva, but right now you should wear a blouse big enough to keep your triple-F natural breasts from knocking over the chip stacks at the table.

Other patented wardrobe accessories: Lee Press-On Nails, Candies shoes, giant denim bookbag-looking pocket book thing.

Poker Wear [PokerWear]