Judging Your Opposition Online

READ MORE: Full Tilt Poker, Online Poker, Party Poker, Poker, PokerStars, poker bloggers

Is it easy to pigeonhole the players at the most popular online sites? Toddcommish thinks so, and has a primer for who you’re facing in sit-and-goes and tournaments online:

“So, to recap the basic strategies of the online players:

Party : Any two cards should see the flop, any ace or bottom pair should go to the river, middle pair is worth a raise, top pair is worth an all-in, betting 400 into a pot with 75 chips = Power Poker, pocket aces should never lose.

PokerStars : Any sooted cards, small pockets, or face cards should see the flop, all backdoor flush draws should be played aggressively, the cognoscenti know that it’s called RiverStars because it’s fixed so that draws always hit, calling with no pair is a good idea because you need to see what the other guy had, pocket aces should never lose.

FullTilt : Always raise on the button because you have position, top pair should always raise, trips should always check-raise, draws should push all-in to try and win right there, any small pocket pair should push preflop to get the ragged faces out, show every bluff because Jesus said so, pocket aces should never lose.”

This is actually a pretty astute assessment. PartyPoker’s players are terrible and love the overbet, you can’t shake a guy off a draw at Pokerstars, and everyone at Full Tilt thinks they’re a genius. We’d add that Pacific’s players are really timid, and the poker rooms tied like an afterthought to a sports book (like Bodog’s) are full of players who have absolutely no idea what they’re doing. Now go make some money.

Adjustments [ToddCommish]

Poker Bloggers Not Good Enough, Apparently

READ MORE: Poker, Wikipedia, poker bloggers

The hardy group of poker bloggers have suffered the occasional sling and arrow from small-minded people who forget that, sometimes, words can really hurt. Poker blogs have been called gay (gasp!) and the blogger community a sewing circle (gosh!), but for the most part bloggers have endured this bashing with dry eyes and nary a quivering upper lip. What’s got their (ok, fine… “our”) panties in a bunch today? After the jump y’all…

POKER BLOGGERS GET DEALT A BLOW

The latest assault on poker blogs was detected by the uber-blogger himself, Iggy, who discovered there was some resistance when an entry for “Poker Blog” was proposed for Wikipedia:

“A poker blog is a blog about poker, so we need a whole article on it?”

A fair enough question, but then the level of discourse started to slip:

“What’s next, “Cornhusking blog: a blog about cornhusking”?”

Try that line the next time you visit Nebraska, funny man.

“This is almost a transwiki to Wiktionary”

Uh, right. Good luck getting the casual sex, pal, really.

And our favorite:

“poker is ok and blogs are ok, but put the two together and you have less than what you started with”

Sigh. Some people just don’t get it. And this reinforces what we’ve believed from the start—that the Internet is too important to be left in the hands of “everyone”. It should be tightly regulated by a monolithic and self-perpetuating elite answerable to absolutely no one. Hey, it works for the House of Representatives.

Guinness and Poker
Wikipedia: Articles for deletion

Anger Comes In Many Different Flavors

READ MORE: Online Poker, Poker, Tilt, poker bloggers

If you play poker, you’ve been on tilt. The game is designed to induce states of temporary insanity that will make you doubt your belief in statistics, in God, in yourself. But there are more flavors of tilt than even Baskin-Robbins could cope with, and a list of the most bitter and vile was compiled by Otis from Up For Poker. A tiny taste, after the jump…

TILT-A-RIFFIC

Otis had some ideas, and opened up comments for more. Here’s a few of our favorites:

“Stuck Tilt—This tilt appears after having played a lengthy session only to find one’s stack is smaller—usually significantly smaller—than it began. Stuck Tilt manifests itself in a common symptom of unfortunate poker play: “Getting Even.”

Yes, we’re quite familiar with that variation.

“Happy Tilt—Another common form of tilt, Happy Tilt appears in the middle of a profitable or otherwise fun session. Whether a player is winning or simply having fun with his buddies at the table, Happy Tilt can prove to be an unhealthy leak that causes players to “gamboooooool” indiscriminately. Happy Tilt is often made worse by mass consumption of alcohol.”

Not well acquainted with Happy Tilt, as that would require winning the occasional early pot. Well acquainted with the mass consumption of alcohol part…maybe a bit too well accquinted.

And then there are tilts that are uniquely personal, and unique to one specific moment. Here’s an example related by Joaquin Ochoa, who was tempted to commit felony assault thanks to:

“Mexican Tilt - When a guy pisses you off at the table and you tell him to step outside to settle this shit. I was put on this tilt this past weekend at the Taj when the old folks at the stud table slow rolled me…not once, but twice. I then proceeded to super-super-slow role them since I couldn’t take a 70 year old senior outside and smack him around. I’m going on tilt just writing this.”

We’re only dodging picket lines and hate crimes allegations due to the author of the above really being named “Joaquin Ochoa.” Poker. It’s just a game, people. OH GOD, we hate when people say that after they beat us out of a big pot. Hey, there’s another tilt right there.

Poker Tilt—Definitions [Up For Poker]

We Hate Hand Histories: The Drainage Of The Flesh Color Of The Nut

READ MORE: Hand Histories, Poker, poker bloggers

After a brief hiatus, we’re back with another Babelfish’d hand history. CJ from Up For Poker hit the casino, and has the following lamentation, which just sounds better under a sombrero with a taco:

“Then it’s Big Slick again. I think I should have just folded it pre-flop.

Instead I raise to 20 and get two callers. The flop is 4-2-2, two clubs. I have the nut flush draw. I bet 40 and it’s raised another 100. Is this where I’m supposed to lay it down? Someone tell me. I call. The turn is another 4. We both check. The river is a Q. I check and he pushes for 200. I fold and I’m up just 50 now.

Thinking back, I think he was trying to make me believe he had a 2 on the flop when he really didn’t. He didn’t think I would call. That may mean my AK was good at the river. Maybe good enough for at least a chop. I suppose discretion was the better part of valor?”

Becomes (English to Spanish and back):

“Then it is polished great again. I think that I must as soon as to have dobladolo pre-I fail.

In place I raise to 20 and with himself to two callers. The failure is 4-2-2, two clubs. I have the drainage of the flesh color of the nut. I bet that 40 and it are raised other 100. He is this where suppose to me to put it down? Somebody says to me. I call. The return is other 4. We both check. The river is a Q. Compruebo and it pushes for 200. I double and now I am upon hardly 50.

Thinking behind, I think he tried to cause that he creates it had 2 in the failure when he really did not do it. He did not think that he would call. That can mean that my AK was good in the river. Quite perhaps good for at least one slice. I suppose that discretion was the best part of value?”

Babelfish
Are You F$#%^# Kiddin’ Me?!? [Up For Poker]
Hand Histories Archive [Oddjack]

What A Crappy Way To Lose

READ MORE: Online Poker, Poker, poker bloggers

In all our years playing online, we’ve never heard anyone resort to the “I’ve got to take a dump” excuse before. TripJax was playing this guy heads-up, he drops a deuce, then comes back to play this hand:

“I forgot to mention, this guy pulled a royal flush out of his ass (pun intended) versus my flopped fullhouse. I had Kc3c to his JhQh. The flop came down 3sKhKs and of course I slowplayed him into his open ended straight flush draw when the turn brought a 10h. The river was a very stinky Ah. That sucked. That’s when things went into the toilet for me. I lost only a few hands later. Stinky!”

Of all the ways to lose, that’s got to be one of the shittiest.

Stinky Poker [TripJax]

The Rake: The All Poker Blog Edition

READ MORE: Poker, The Rake, poker bloggers

· If you’re an expert at NL Crazy Pineapple 8b (yes, you heard right), UpForPoker’s G-Rob needs some advice. [UpForPoker]
· Just to show you Hollywood is really on top of trends, there are two poker-themed movies on their way. By “on top of,” we mean “are a couple years behind,” of course. [Wicked Chops]
· PokerGeek muses on who should really be at the “Bad Boys of Poker” table for the WPT, not to mention what it is they should really be playing for. [PokerGeek]
· When ESPN airs the final table of the “WSOP Tournament of Champions,” Phil Hellmuth walks in with the chip lead. Paul Phillips is irked he’s even there in the first place. [Paul Phillips]
· Dan at Pokerati wonders aloud what happened to Danny Negreanu’s Poker Vitamin side gig? Can’t get to the website, how couldn’t a pro poker endorsed vitamin product make scads of money? [Pokerati]
· And from the “found items” file, how about an encouraging comment for “Crazy Bitch” (copyright Wicked Chops) Tiffany Williamsen that landed on LasVegasVegas? Yeah, you go girl! Go out and win this previously taped event that you didn’t! [LasVegasVegas]

Bad Excuses From The Blogosphere

READ MORE: Poker, poker bloggers

We have a lot of respect for honesty in poker blogs. There are too many really bad players who pretend to know more than they do, or guys who post hand histories that prove their boobery despite their incredulous attitudes at suffering yet another beat. When we see a player laying it bare, no matter what people are going to think, it’s engaging. Well, engaging or stupefying, as the case is with ScurvyDog today:

“Plus I discovered that a copper-smithing workshop my wife and I signed up is actually this weekend, instead of next weekend, so I’m going to have to find a surrogate stand-in for the Caribbean Sun $200K Freeroll this Sunday that I blew $500 or so qualifying for. Sweet…”

Makes us never want to marry. Again, we mean. We’ll stick to picking up married women, thank you. You have no idea how well the “freelance writer” line works on bored housewives at Panera Bread at 2PM on a Friday.

Them’s Quad Aces Beeeyaaatch [Sound of a Suckout]

We Hate Hand Histories: Grinding Kid Poker

READ MORE: Daniel Negreanu, Hand Histories, Poker, poker bloggers

They’re currently filming High Stakes Poker at the Golden Nugget in Vegas, and Daniel Negreanu just can’t not blog about it. Hell, you’d be talking about it too if you got stuck for almost a quarter mill. Anyway, since we hate hand histories, even from Negreanu, we’ll Babelfish the crap out of it:

“Not too much later I called a small raise from the small blind with pocket 33. The flop came Ad 9d 3d and I checked over to Sammy Farha. He bet $17,000, I made it $50,000 and he went all in for close to $100,000.

I called, and Sammy turned over the Kh Qd. The turn came nothing, but once again, the river came a diamond and I lost another monster pot on the river as a huge favorite.”

Becomes (English to Spanish to English to Spanish to English to Italian to English):

“After not too much called a small blind small increase with pocket 33. The lack has come the warning 9d 3d and has verified over to Sammy Farha. It bet $17,000, I have made $50,000 he and has comprised all the arrests close to $100.000.

I have called and Sammy to has turned the Kh Qd. The return has come nothing, but still, the river has come a diamond and has lost other a pote of the monster in the river like the enormous favorite.”

High Stakes Poker: Day One [FullContactPoker]
Babelfish

We Hate Hand Histories: The Cards Hardly Do Not Import

READ MORE: Hand Histories, Poker, poker bloggers

Behold the power of the Jackhammer, or Jack-Four in Hold ‘Em to the uninitiated. It’s a favorite bad hand of ours to play, and CJ from Up For Poker enjoys laying the wood to the ladies with it too:

“Just a few hands later, I take my first shot at Heather. She talks a big game, but she doesn’t scare me. I look down at my favorite hand, the Jackhammer, and throw out my standard raise. Heather calls on the button (which she did to me every damn time!). The flop missed me completely, but, when you’re holding the Jackhammer, cards just don’t matter. I massively overbet the pot and Heather went away. I think I put her on tilt for 49 seconds. At least. And she’s still smarting.”

Becomes (English to Italian to French to English):

“As soon as some hands more successively, I take my first blow with the heather. It talks a large play, but it does not frighten it. I observe into low my favorite hand, jackhammer and throws towards outside my standard increase. The heather it invites the key (which made with me each which cursed time!). Failure it missed it completely, but, when you are held the jackhammer, the cards hardly do not import. In manner it ballaste overbet the POT and the heather it went. I think that it puts it on slope for 49 seconds. At least. And still smarting.”

When Bloggers Collide [Up For Poker]
Babelfish

We Hate Hand Histories: Triple to the Top of the Right-Hand Side Here

READ MORE: Hand Histories, Poker, poker bloggers

We’ve all had that little voice inside our heads that begs us to lay down the best hand because we just can’t take one more bad beat, right? Is it just us? Maybe this sort of indecision sounds better coming from Mean Gene Bromberg, but then again, maybe it sounds better in Pig-French:

“So, do I call and go to war with my ladies? Against a guy who opens with nearly half his stack and another who shoves everything he has? Under normal circumstances this would be an easy yet easy-to-brag-about laydown. Afterwards you breezily tell how you made an incisive read and laid down two queens, hopefully earning the oohs and the ahhs. But this is Party Poker, where the inmates run the asylum. I might have these guys totally crushed. Based on their crazy raises, I probably do have the first guy crushed at least. I could triple up right here. I could boss the table the rest of the way and smash my way to victory.

“I fold.”

Becomes (English to French and Back):

“Thus, I call and will make the war with my injuries? Against a type which opens with almost half of its pile and another which pushes very that it has? In normal circumstances it would however be easy easy-with-praise-with the subject of laydown. After you say with ease that you made read to incisor and fixed two queens, if all is well gaining the oohs and the ahhs. But it is poker of part, where the prisoners run asylum. I could make crush these types completely. Based on their increasing insane, I probably make crush the first type at least. I could triple to the top of the right-hand side here. I could direct the table the remainder in the manner and the crash my manner to the victory.

“I yield.”

Scaredy-Cat [Mean Gene]
Babelfish

We Hate Hand Histories: Only Four Hands Could To Have Me Milkshake

READ MORE: Hand Histories, Poker, poker bloggers

Jason Kirk played in Sunday’s Blogger Championship sponsored by PokerStars, and managed to make the to 10% of the field. Too bad prizes were only divvied up amongst the top 7% or so. Through the wringer his hand history goes:

I was in serious danger of tilting out here - I was more than a little pissed. To make things worse, the blinds went up to 25/50 at this point. About three hands after I took the big beating, I caught TT in the CO. One player in MP limped in, the action was folded around to me, and I considered my options. I had just a touch over 10X the blinds for a single orbit, putting me squarely at the bottom of Harrington’s “Yellow Zone.” If I limped or made a smallish raise I would most likely get a few more callers, which I didn’t want with a pair of tens. If I made a big raise, I’d leave myself crippled if someone decided to call and try to bust me. So, I pushed all-in for T815 total - only 4 hands could possibly have me beaten, so anyone who decided to call would either have to have one of those hands (my bad luck if they did) or be making a mistake for a significant portion of their stack hoping to catch on me. Nobody called, and I picked up the blinds and the MP limper’s bet to boost myself back a little higher in the Yellow Zone.

Becomes (English to Spanish and back):

It was in the serious danger of the inclination towards outside here - it was more than pissed little. To make things worse, the blinds went up to 25/50 to this point. Near three hands after it took I strike great, I took the TT in the CO. A player in P. M. cojeó inside, the action was doubled me around, and considered my options. It had as soon as a tact on 10X the blinds for a single orbit, putting to me in right angle at heart of the yellow zone of Harrington “.” If cojeara or did that smallish raises more likely would obtain some more callers, to than I did not wish with a pair of ten. If it made an increase great, me it would leave disabled if somebody determined one to call to me and to try to burst. Therefore, I pushed everything-in for total T815 - only 4 hands could to have me milkshake, so any person that decided to call would have to have one of those hands (my bad luck if they did it) or to possibly incur a mistake for a significant portion of piled up his that it hoped to take in me. Nobody called, and I took the blinds and the softest bet from P. M. to raise a little behind to me more stop in the yellow zone.

Poker Blogger Tournament Recap [Jason Kirk]
Babelfish

Catching Up To Poker Blogger Slang

READ MORE: Poker, poker bloggers

Poker bloggers are a tight-knit bunch, and have spawned or adopted some of their own poker lingo over the last couple of years (Disclaimer: Oddjack’s Poker Guy BG is, in fact, one of these retards). Today, Dr. Pauly provides a glossary of sorts that helps you catch up to the jive talk around town. A couple highlights:

The Hammer
Definition: 7-2o
Creator/Credit: Grubby
The Hammer came from one of Grubby’s home games back in DC before he moved to Las Vegas. One regular played 7-2o a lot and the other players decided to call that hand the Hammer because it happened to be that guy’s last name.

Dial-a-Shot
Definition: When you are about to do a shot (SoCo preferably), you call up someone (preferably in another city) and they do a shot simultaneously on the other line
Creator/Credit: AlCantHang

Pauly’s not the only one. Chilly from Infant Days, Sleepless Nights has a full-fledged Poker Blogger Dictionary, featuring 41 entries:

H.O.R.S.P.E. (noun) - A poker game played by bloggers. It is the traditional H.O.R.S.E. (Ed. Note: Hold ‘Em, Omaha Hi, Razz, Stud, Stud Eight-or-Better, all Limit - we got the MGM Grand to deal this in Vegas) with a P added for Pineapple. Also know as P.H.R.O.S.E.

Jopke (verb) - The ultimate Hellmuthian move. To unwittenly make ones self into a donkey.

And one day Vince Van Patten will utter one of these phrases during a telecast, which will validate years of poker blogging in relative obscurity. We’re just living the dream.

Hammers, Hilton Sisters, Dial-a-Shots, and other Post-Modern Poker Vernacular [Tao of Poker]
Poker Blogger’s Dictionary [Infant Days, Sleepless Nights]