NFL Futures Betting: Clinton Portis’ Sock Problem

READ MORE: Clinton Portis, NFL Betting, NFL Futures, Washington Redskins

Washington Redskins’ split-personality running back Clinton Portis weekly press conference and personal style has resulted in its own line. BetMaker has props on what kind of unique uniform adjustment Portis will make this week, even though he’s already been fined by the NFL for his barber poll socks.:

WHAT WILL BE THE NEXT MISMATCHED PERSONALIZATION CLINTON PORTIS WILL MAKE TO HIS UNIFORM

WEAR 1 BLACK SHOE AND 1 WHITE SHOE +400
WEAR 1 BURGUNDY SOCK AND 1 STRIPE SOCK(AGAIN) EV
WEAR 1 BURGUNDY SOCK AND 1 YELLOW SOCK +500
WEAR REDSKINS ON FRONT OF JERSEY A LA MARK BRUNELL +300
WEAR A BELT BUCKLE WITH REDSKINS INDIAN LOGO +350
NONE OF THE ABOVE -350

Clinton Portis Line [BetMaker]

Chopping Lines: Skins About to Get Dicked

READ MORE: Chopping Lines, Kansas City Chiefs, NFL Betting, Washington Redskins

Sunday, 4:15 p.m.

Washington Redskins (3-1)

Kansas City Chiefs (2-2)

Best Line: KC -5.5, WAS +6

The Washington Redskins have overachieved all year in the eyes of many football experts and everybody’s just waiting for Mark Brunell’s arm to come off or Dan Snyder to start lurking too close to Joe Gibbs. Last week we saw that if the Redskins are given enough points—even at Denver—they’ll cover. Yet, we think the first squeaky wheel comes off this week at Kansas City. Arrowhead is no picnic to play in either and as good as the Washington defense has been, we do think a Priest Holmes/Larry Johnson pounding will be enough to end the Redskin’s dream of a playoff year.

PICK!: KC -5.5

Chopping Lines: Oh, Those Plucky Cowboys

READ MORE: Chopping Lines, Dallas Cowboys, NFL Betting, Washington Redskins

9 p.m.

Washington Redskins (1-0)

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Dallas Cowboys (1-0)

Best Line: WAS +6.5, DAL -5.5

Another set of shitty games to bet on: Rivalry games. These are betting nightmares whereven the mightiest of the mightiest can be toppled by a conference rival that gets up solely for this type of game. Well, this is a rivalry, but for what? Mediocrity? Exactly. Dallas did look impressive against San Diego last week, that’s until we saw San Diego fall to Denver on Sunday and now we’re all back to scratching our heads and wondering just what the Jesus and Jason Witten is going on here? Welcome to Week 2 in the NFL! Whee! The Redskins have started their quarterback controversy early this year, benching Patrick Ramsey early on for puggish Mark Brunell and his bygone glory with the Jacksonville Jaguars. One thing we can say about the Cowboys is this: their D is tough. We’re having a great time surfing on DeMarcus Ware’s back and that Roy Williams can go all Atwater at any time. The Skins? Well, Joe Gibbs may not have completely purged the NASCAR or holy-roller powder out of his system yet, but he’ll get there. Not tonight though.

PICK!: DAL -5.5 (We’re picking the Cowboys and we’re Eagles fans, therefore we should have our eyes poked out with plastic forks. We hope the Nest of Death forgives us. It’s our job. Sadly.)

Chopping Lines: Welcome To The Kyle Orton Era

READ MORE: Chicago Bears, Chopping Lines, NFL Betting, Washington Redskins

Sunday, 1 p.m.

Chicago Bears (0-0)

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Washington Redskins (0-0)

Best Line: CHI +6, WAS -4.5, O/U 33 - 33.5

If we can dig deep through our pot-riddled memory to pull our Junior High School education back into service, the above line generates the following equation: X + (X-6) = 33. So dividing by pi and double checking our abacus gives us a projected final score in this game of 20-13. Seems low, but let’s check the rosters. Oh yeah, Kyle Orton versus Patrick Ramsey. That explains it. Our NFL sources tell us that Washington had the second worst offense in the league last year (15.0 ppg), and the third worst passing attack (164.5 ypg). Chicago? 14.4 ppg and 137.0 passing ypg. So if last year’s form holds… wait, we’ve almost got it now… Yes, that’s right. This game is going to suck. But that O/U line is a sucker bet. They just want you to add up 15 and 14.4 and think there’s no way on god’s green earth these teams find a way to put the ball in the end zone. We’d take the under at 35 or 36, definitely at 39, but 33 is way too risky.

That leaves us with the points. We’re not like our compadres at Covers who apparently got columnist Stephen Nover likkered up and got him to pick Chicago to win the NFC North. Um, nuh uh. But this is a good defense facing a pretty bad offense. The Bears can keep Ramsey on his ass, Clinton Portis bottled up, and Santana Moss from running up and down the field on them. This we believe. So long as Orton doesn’t wilt under the pressure in his first big game under center, we don’t see any way possible Washington exceeds the six point spread. As a matter of fact, we’re tempted to play Chicago’s money line. We’ll strongly advise the points, but like a 12 year-old boy just finding the bra section in the Sears catalog, we might not be able to help ourselves later.

PICK!: CHI +6

Chopping Lines: Hey Joe, You’re Not In Daytona Anymore

READ MORE: Chopping Lines, NFL Betting, Pittsburgh Steelers, The Venetian, Washington Redskins

(Guest selection from The Venetian)

Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0-0)

Best Line: Pittsburgh -2.5

Sometimes you really should just leave well enough alone. Joe Gibbs is learning this the hard way in his Derail The Legacy Tour, now entering its second year. His first attempt to turn the clock back to the late eighties by locating every ex-assistant that the game had passed by was a relative failure, even with a suffocating defense. Attempting to awaken the offense, Gibbs brought in hired gun Bill Musgrave to run the show. Unfortunately, his field general will still be Patrick Ramsey. Backup Jason Campbell may be obligated to send part of his first-round pick money to Ronnie Brown and Cadillac Williams. While Clinton Portis is very good, Mr. Campbell won’t have any Vanderbilts or Mississippi States to stat-pad against.

Speaking of opponents, we hear Pittsburgh’s pretty good. Their defense didn’t seem to have much trouble with the Feeley/Frerotte combo last week against the Dolphins, so we can’t picture Coach Cowher’s chin trembling at the site of the Washington duo. Offense has been another matter as the Roethlisberger-led first team has been shut out in the first two weeks of the preseason. Expect a bit more action from the first teamers as they try to work out the kinks.

Betting on the Steelers and against the Redskins has been a pretty good idea recently and we don’t expect much to change.

Venetian PICK!: Steelers

Chopping Lines: Ride the Bengal Like a Mechanical Bull

READ MORE: A.J. Benza, Chopping Lines, Cincinnati Bengals, NFL Betting, Washington Redskins

8 p.m.

Cincinnati Bengals (0-1-0)

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Washington Redskins (0-1-0)

Best Line: CINCY +2.5, WASH -2

Last year my bookie walked around with a hard-on whenever I put money on the Washington Redskins and lost. And it’s high time his wife thanked me. That’s not going to happen this year and the curious love affair ends tonight, right where it started - in the splendor of the grass at FedEx Field. Coach Joe Gibbs is one of the greats, but it looks like the game is passing him by. The biggest reason I see is his insistence on asking his running back - the very fast Clinton Portis - to wait for his linemen to make their blocks before working off them. Portis has been publically vocal about this lunacy and it’s for good reason. It’s like always strating your Ferrari in the second gear. At quarterback, they have Patrick Ramsey who is about as nimble as the 65-year old Gibbs. Last game he was sacked twice by Deion Sanders, who neon is now flickering like the overhead lighting at a “happy ending” massage parlor.

But the Bengals are going in the complete opposite direction with Cincinnati Kid Carson Palmer at the helm and licking his throwing fingers at his tasty wideouts Chad Johnson and T.J. Housmandzadeh. (No relation to Norm Zadeh, owner of Perfect 10 Magazine.) Look for Cincy’s offense to be on the explosive side, and - at least for tonight - don’t pay too much attention to its soft defense since the Skins flat-out suck.

And here’s some fun numbers to play with: Bengals are 3-1 against the number after a pre-season loss. While the (fore)Skins are just 4-10 against the spread the last 7 pre-season years. Listen to me Washington fans. I’m here to help. Bengals blow-out.

BENZAPick!: CINCY+ 2.5